Excited and Scared

Tomorrow is my NT Scan.

I’ve been so excited for it. I’ve been counting down the days to seeing the baby again, to getting a clue on if this baby is a boy or a girl, to making sure that everything as of right now looks perfect, and making sure that my blood work comes back good as well.

BUT apparently I’m also really scared. This morning I fell back asleep on the couch cuddling with Mason while we watched Toy Story 2 and I had an awful dream. I dreamed that I was bleeding and then I dreamed of me trying to find the heart beat on my doppler but I think I woke up before I found it.

I dreamed of driving with my family and having to jump over openings in the road and not making it, instead crashing to the ground. I dreamed of looking into a car and praying that my siblings were okay and pulling them out of the car (they were fine).

But those dreams were scary and it gave me even more anxiety for tomorrow.

I still haven’t gone and checked on the baby this morning with my doppler even though I’m tempted too. I’m not very good at finding the baby’s heart beat and I don’t want to make myself more nervous if I can’t find it.

My appointment is at 10:30 am. I have to leave here around 9:15 so that I can be there 15 minutes early and give myself some time if I get lost. So I’ll have an hour to be nervous and alone with my thoughts. B is staying behind with Mason. At first I wanted them both to come but we both decided that it wouldn’t be fair to Mason or the doctor to try and keep him contained in a room while the u/s tech is trying to get important information. I’ll bring back plenty of pictures and perhaps a gender guess in an envelope. Although since I know what I’m looking for I’ll probably take a guess myself.

I’m also incredibly nervous because this is when I figure out if I’m going to get the care that I deserve during this pregnancy easily or if I’m going to have to fight for it every second of the way. I have to talk to the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) about taking me on as a patient doing cervical scans along with my OB to make sure that I’m not dilating, that my cervix isn’t incompetent.

My OB is very confidant that my cervix is just fine. When I ask her why she tells me because of my previous full term birth with Mason, she tells me because stuff like this “just happens”. And my favorite line because in her “hearts of hearts” she doesn’t think my cervix is incompetent.

I know very well through many women that I’ve met that that’s not the case. That in most cases your water doesn’t “just break”. Usually there is an underlying reason. And my OB’s confidence doesn’t make me feel better it makes me feel scared it makes me wonder what it’s going to take for women and women like me to get the proper care.

Two Babies Dead?

I really hope not. But I know that for some woman that’s exactly what needed to happen and it’s disgusting.

I refuse to let that happen to me. Just because my doctor has a medical degree doesn’t mean that she knows everything, it doesn’t always mean that she knows best. I am my own best advocate when it comes to the care that I receive.

And tomorrow while I get to see my baby I also get to fight for what I need this pregnancy, what my baby needs this pregnancy.

Wish me luck.