Today is Elena’s 3rd Birthday. It’s also the 3rd anniversary of her death. Every year I ask myself the same question. How does one celebrate life and death all at once? 3 years in and I still don’t think we have it right.
A friend sent me this on instgram today and it was exactly what I needed to see. It fit so perfectly into the way that I was feeling. When I woke up this morning it was with a start. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and then just like that it crashed over me. My baby died, my daughter has been dead for three years.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to sleep. I wanted to forget. It felt like I was drowning. Last year I remember feeling much more hopeful. I made her a cake. This year the thought of making a cake for a child who couldn’t eat it made me a little sick. So I didn’t.
We tried to visit her grave but we couldn’t because there was still snow on the ground from Saturday night’s snow storm. I had every intention to dig until I saw the stone but the pathway wasn’t even clear enough for us to get our car in without possibly getting stuck, so we couldn’t.
So we went out to eat instead. Typically on birthdays I make favorite meals, but we can’t do that with Elena. She doesn’t have a favorite meal. So, instead we go out to eat and I eat my grief.
The water has not been calm today. It’s been crashing and I’ve forgotten how to swim. I just hope that tomorrow I’ll begin to learn again.
Maybe she’ll visit me in my dreams. It’s been awhile.