I Lost it At the Park

Lately I’ve been feeling drained. I hear myself telling Mason that I’m exhausted. That it’s exhausting telling him the same thing over and over again.

I’ve been trying so hard to control myself, to not feed into the mental exhaustion. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was a daily struggle. At times an hourly one.

today I lost it 2

We were at the park. We had walked there and it was a lot colder than I expected. We were pretty much the only people there, right when we were about to leave a kid showed up and Mason started playing with him and a Mom friend of mine showed up too. So we stayed. Kyla was so tired and we were both cold but we toughed it out. Mason was getting his energy out and he needs that so badly.

Mason’s new friend had left and he was sitting in the stroller writing in his notebook so I took it as an opportunity to say “It’s time to head out”. He immediately stopped SCREAMED no and jumped out of the stroller. I almost lost it at that point but I didn’t. I explained to him that it was cold, it was getting dark, and that since we had to walk home it was safer if we left now.

He got in the stroller, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. The stroller we were using was the Joovy Cocoon. This is important to note because it’s more like a bike trailer. It has a netting that can be zipped up and then a plastic type material that can be Velcroed to keep out wind and rain. I pulled it down and Mason flipped.

I tried to explain to him that I was trying to keep him warm. That it would help.

He screamed and freaked that I had the audacity to put it down.

So I told him his options. Stay in the stroller with the piece down and be warm or get out and walk next to me because that piece was staying down.

He screamed his frustrations at me again.

yelled my frustrations

I pulled him out of the stroller while telling yelling at him to get out of the stroller then and told yelled at  him that he was walking with me then.

He was still crying at this point (he started as soon as I put the one piece down).

My friend said “He’s probably tired too”.

And I told her NO. He’s always like this. Morning, Noon and Night. And to a certain extent that is true but it’s not entirely true. He is a kind sweet boy when he wants to be. But everything is on his terms.

and I'm exhausted

The entire walk home I felt guilty. I told Mason that I was sorry for yelling him. That I get frustrated just like he gets frustrated and that we have to help each other not be frustrated by being kind to each other.

But I still felt guilty. I still feel guilty. I choked back tears.

Because today, at the park, I lost it.

And it feels like I’m the only one losing it.

What feels like the worst part is it turns out Mason was tired.

asleep

And I felt even more guilt. How could I not see what someone else saw so clearly?

After both kids were in bed I came across an article that a friend posted. And it resonated with me so well that I cried.

Because even though I’m exhausted.

I am blessed

And because of that I will do better, I will be better because they deserve nothing less.

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