What Today Should Have Been.

Last year I wrote a post about how I hate July.

Last July I should have been celebrating Elena being born instead I mourned a life that ended months before. I mourned what should have been.

I thought that with Kyla being here that this July would be different and while it’s different because Kyla is here, I’m still incredibly sad for my oldest daughter. For both of us. That we’ve missed all of the things that her sister is doing now.

I should have a one year old.

And I’m so incredibly jealous of all the mommies I know who are celebrating their babies 1st Birthdays. The Moms who’s children were born in July and are celebrating the life of their children.

I can’t do that. Not in July and not in February when she was born.

I can acknowledge and love her. She has forever changed me both for the better and for worse.

But I can’t celebrate. How do you celebrate death?

I recently received a gift my Omie

PreciousMoments

It’s called “Mommy’s Love Goes With You”. I absolutely loved it but it also instantly brought me to tears. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I miss my baby and I can’t help but wonder what would have been, what could have been. And it’s SO hard because I look at Kyla and if I would have had a one year old right now I wouldn’t have her.

I never realized until after I got pregnant with her just how much that can mess with my emotions. Wishing Elena lived means Kyla wouldn’t be here and that’s not something I can imagine either.

Today was my due date for Elena.  July 23rd 2012. Today should be different, but it’s not. I’m still a loss Mom.

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Sending you so much love. Like so much. I can’t even imagine how hard those months are on you and your family and how conflicting your feelings are. Have you thought about doing a balloon release or lighting a paper lantern (the kind that float). I have a friend who finds that very therapeutic. On the anniversary of my angels edd I just hide in my house and give myself a day to grieve.
    Molly W. recently posted..Currently {07.25.2013}My Profile

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