The 5 Stages of Grief: Anger

I keep hearing about the 5 Stages of Grief, I keep trying to apply them to myself in some way, as if it even matters.

Either way, one of those stages is anger.

I’ve never been angry that Elena died. Always just incredibly sad and devastated.

But lately I do find myself angry, not that she died but at the people around me.

Angry that a co-worker, who knows what happened with Elena wants to talk to me about her possible abortion. Because I “understand”. No, I don’t understand. Having my very much wanted baby die and you getting an abortion is not the same thing. Not even close.

Angry that the same co-worker thinks it’s funny to joke about how “super awesome” her not in the morning morning sickness is. ACTUALLY it IS awesome. It means your baby is growing. It means you have life inside of you.

Angry that my friend wants to talk to me about birth control options because it would be “terrible” if she got pregnant.

Angry that another co-worker wants to tell me about her 19 year old cousin who’s pregnant with a little girl and the Dad seems to be a dead beat.

Angry that very Pregnant women think it’s appropriate to complain about being pregnant in a group where women have dealt with miscarriages and late losses, where one particular woman was going through a chemical pregnancy and another woman thought she was losing her baby.

Angry that there are people all around me pregnant and having babies, especially online.

Angry that I can’t go anywhere or do anything with out being confronted with pregnant bellies and little girls who aren’t mine.

Angry that people seem to lack empathy, the ability to place themselves in another person’s shoes and think for just one moment what it might be like to be them. How their words and actions are hurting other people.

Angry that this is my reality, that my arms and heart will always ache for Elena and that I will always be a loss mom.

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  1. says

    I remember the anger very well. I also felt insanely jealous. Irrationally so. When people around me would be getting pregnant left and right and I was still NOT pregnant after my miscarriage I just wanted to scream STOP IT! IT’S MY TURN!

    I won’t tell you it gets easier – you just learn to live with it and it becomes a part of who you are. Thinking about you. *hugs*

  2. says

    Oh Christa,

    I so very sorry, I had no idea you were going through this tragic loss. It is unbelievable how self-centered and selfish people can be at times. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with their insensitivity on top of your grief. My heart and prayers go out to you.

  3. says

    I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to bitch about being uncomfy while pregnant in a freakin TTC/loss group. Seriously.

    You know what else makes me so angry I could spit? When people compare early miscarriages to stillbirth. Stillbirth to neonatal death. Losing their dog to baby loss. It’s not all the same, people!

  4. says

    I wish people weren’t so ignorant to the pain of moms who had to say goodbye much too soon. But sadly, until someone is really affected by it either directly or indirectly, they just can’t fathom the pain associated with a loss, especially a late loss. As my losses have all been early, I know that my pain, while intense, comes nowhere close to someone like you or Jayme. And then there are people who just have a hard time thinking about anyone other than themselves. Empathy is a skill that unfortunately some people have no interest in learning. Christa, I have nothing but hugs and prayers for you!

    • Christa says

      I honestly don’t get it. I just don’t remember being that insensitive especially when it comes to losing babies, etc. Blows my mind!

      Thank you Maria for the hugs and prayers, they are always appreciated!

  5. Melissa says

    Be angry. Get it all out. Sucky stuff happens, we can’t understand why, even if we do, it still sucks because it’s not the reality we want. Let Anger set up shop and have a field day. But know when to hand out the eviction notice. Don’t let Anger move in for good and eat up your joy, drink all your peace and mess on your faith. I only know you through your blog and IG, but I want better than that for you.

    I debated about this part, and please know this is with utmost respect and love: I firmly believe that everyone’s loss is equal -there isn’t any rank or contest. My friend who lost one child at 2 years old and another at 18 years doesn’t have a bigger badge than my friend who had 4 miscarriages and a molar pregnancy. Loss is loss. It is hard whether it is early, late or in between. I really believe that comparison is the antithesis of happiness and compassion; and it’s so hard not to compare ourselves. To go one step farther, I think its detrimental and dangerous to allow ourselves to fall into that mindset. I’ve been there; it’s not pretty and I didn’t like the person I was when was there. Please just be so careful and mindful if you allow yourself to visit comparison-world.

    Christa, you are often in my thoughts and prayers and I sincerely hope my opinions didn’t offend you or your friends. I certainly didn’t intend that in any way. My heart goes out to all who have experienced any loss of a child; it’s a crappy club to belong to, but it’s my club too.

  6. Christa says

    Melissa, I hope you know how much I’ve appreciated your prayers and support these last couple of months, it’s meant more than you know and I always love seeing that I have a comment from you.

    I’m not sure if you’re referring to comparing the abortion to my late loss or to Jayme’s comment but either way it’s not that the loss isn’t the same (although in the case of a chosen abortion I would say it’s completely different and not comparable at all) but the feelings are different. Jayme has had early miscarriages, 2 near viability losses and one neo-natal death she herself will tell you that even though they all hurt and they were all losses they were all different. Each one brings a different set of emotions that are hard to understand unless you’ve been in that situation.

    For me I would never compare what I went through when I lost Elena and a Mom losing her baby to SIDS. Yes we have both have experienced a tremendous loss but at the same time it’s SO different.

  7. Nicole says

    Anger was the longest lasting and most difficult stage for me. I hated everything. I hated myself. I was terrified. (((hugs))) mama. Thinking of you.

    • Christa says

      It’s been the worst for me too especially because it comes in waves sometimes I’m fine and other times I hate everyone and everything.

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