I keep hearing about the 5 Stages of Grief, I keep trying to apply them to myself in some way, as if it even matters.
Either way, one of those stages is anger.
I’ve never been angry that Elena died. Always just incredibly sad and devastated.
But lately I do find myself angry, not that she died but at the people around me.
Angry that a co-worker, who knows what happened with Elena wants to talk to me about her possible abortion. Because I “understand”. No, I don’t understand. Having my very much wanted baby die and you getting an abortion is not the same thing. Not even close.
Angry that the same co-worker thinks it’s funny to joke about how “super awesome” her not in the morning morning sickness is. ACTUALLY it IS awesome. It means your baby is growing. It means you have life inside of you.
Angry that my friend wants to talk to me about birth control options because it would be “terrible” if she got pregnant.
Angry that another co-worker wants to tell me about her 19 year old cousin who’s pregnant with a little girl and the Dad seems to be a dead beat.
Angry that very Pregnant women think it’s appropriate to complain about being pregnant in a group where women have dealt with miscarriages and late losses, where one particular woman was going through a chemical pregnancy and another woman thought she was losing her baby.
Angry that there are people all around me pregnant and having babies, especially online.
Angry that I can’t go anywhere or do anything with out being confronted with pregnant bellies and little girls who aren’t mine.
Angry that people seem to lack empathy, the ability to place themselves in another person’s shoes and think for just one moment what it might be like to be them. How their words and actions are hurting other people.
Angry that this is my reality, that my arms and heart will always ache for Elena and that I will always be a loss mom.