Robbed.

I just got finished reading a birth story, I cried pretty much the entire time. She planned and got a home birth.

That wasn’t exactly what I was planning since I was going to labor and birth at a birthing center with a midwife but it’s close enough.

I don’t know why I read it. It’s pretty much like torturing yourself. I should have been reading this story excited about the birth of my baby. Not mourning the birth of my baby.

I had a home birth. It wasn’t what I had planned but it’s what happened.

Not only did I have a home birth but I had a free birth. It was just B and I in the house for the majority of my labor. And then it was just me in my bath tub. It was late probably around 11:30 and the water started getting cold so I got out. I tried to lay down but I was in far too much pain, I felt sick.

So I went and sat on the toilet. I was feeling nauseous so I had B get me the thermometer so that I could take my temp. Sure enough it was the highest it had been around 99. I called my midwife to let her know. She told me to only go into the hospital if it stayed that way after having some water.

B went back downstairs. And I got back in the tub. It wasn’t up very high because the water started getting cold again so I had to pretty much lay on my stomach to have the water help me feel better.

And than sometime around 1:00am on February 25th I decided that it was time to push. I needed to push, I guess that’s the urge? I pushed once and nothing.

With the next contraction I pushed again and out slid my baby. I caught her and pulled her up and close to me as much as I could. She opened her mouth to try and breath.

I held my baby. I *tried* to see if t was a boy or girl. But my little one wanted to keep me guessing and slapped her legs shut when I tried to look.

Her heart stopped beating in my hands.

I hadn’t intended to talk about the parts of my birth story that I just did. It just came out.

What I had wanted to talk about was how I was robbed. Not just of my first born daughter but also of my peace of mind.

My cervix may be incompetent. I may never be able to spend a pregnancy not on bed rest. I will constantly worry. I will constantly wonder if my baby will live. If I will get to see them giggle, roll over, take their first steps. All of that. I may never be able to have a home birth. Or birth at a birthing center. My pregnancies from here on out will not be normal. They will be high risk. A lot of that has to do with me. My doctors don’t want to treat me as high risk. Part of me doesn’t want to either but I would never forgive myself if I don’t take precautions the next time around.

If I don’t get cervical length checks, swabs for infections, biweekly appointments, modified bed rest, extra vitamins and  pelvic rest. And then if a third pregnancy succeeds with no problems, I can never have a 4th normal pregnancy because what if all the things I did in my third is what made it possible.

I’ve been robbed of the little girl I wanted SO badly and my peace of mind.

And there are some nights were it is completely overwhelming.

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About Christa Marie

Christa is a mom to three, Mason, Kyla and Elena who grew her wings the day she was born in February 2012. She blogs about the things she loves; her family, recipes and whatever she's up too that week. When she's not blogging you can find her entertaining the kids or reading.

Comments

  1. Lillian @ Elle The Heiress says:

    Christa, I don’t have anything to say except to tell you how sorry I am. I wish that there was some way that I could help you heal, and to take away your pain, but I know there isn’t. I am just so, so sorry and I have been praying for you.

  2. Kristin (atyourcervix78) says:

    Christa,
    I’m so so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s senseless. A grief no
    Mother should ever know. Your Elena was lucky in some respects. She knew
    Only love. And peace. No suffering. No pain. Which is of so little comfort, because what you WOULDN’T do to be gestating her right now. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think of you often, and how lucky M is to have such a loving mommy and daddy. As is Elena. She will wait for you. You will meet her again
    Someday. <3 and hugs.
    Kristin

  3. Melissa says:

    Christa, There are not words to truly express the pain I feel for you as I read this. My heart is broken. I first want to apologize for being the worst blogging friend ever. I’ve followed you since our boys were just newby’s, I think even before then. I haven’t been on much and had no idea what your going through. I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you guys. I know your beautiful girl is hugging you tight as I write this. I’m truly so sorry for your loss. HUGS, PRAYERS, TEARS, THOUGHTS WITH YOU!

  4. Melissa says:

    I wish I could help. I wish I could fix it. My heart goes out to you though we’ve never met, from one mom to another. As I type, I have tears in my eyes because all I can do is say how sorry I am and continue to remember you and your family in my prayers. I wish there was more.

  5. Christa, my heart absolutely breaks for you. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say… you are so strong and such a wonderful mama. Elena will always be with you. I think of you often and wish I could be there with you. <3

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