In one of my Facebook groups a fellow Late Loss Mom asked if we go to the cemetery often to visit our little ones. It’s only been two months since I lost Elena. I’ve been at the cemetery three times. Once the day she was buried, then again the day after it had been a month since we lost her March 26th and today.
It’s not really far away but it’s far enough where I have to plan to go. Part of me doesn’t go because I hate seeing that little tiny grave. It makes it a thousand times more real. Not that it isn’t real now of course, but it hurts me to think she’s out there all by herself.
Then another part of me doesn’t go often because I know that she’s not THERE. She’s HERE with me. With B. With Mason. With us, in everything we do.
Recently I’ve been thinking about an article I read months ago, when I had just gotten pregnant with Elena maybe even before.
I shared it with the loss moms I knew and my July Moms as well because I knew some of them had experienced losses. And it still means something for those that don’t.
The article basically says that years and years later fetal cells can be found in a mother’s body. And in some cases these fetal cells can even help heal a mother by repairing damaged organs.
I know that Elena is with me every second of every day emotionally but it’s so nice to know that a part of her is still inside of me physically too. That her cells are flowing through my body mixing with mine and even with her brothers.
Within me, we are all together. Just like we should be.