I’m pretty sure that for the most part I try to make everything on here happy and nice. Which is why I always have a bazillion Mason pictures because that kids really is my sunshine.
I can literally count on one hand the amount of posts I’ve wrote that have been not so happy and two of them where in the last month {twitter drama} oh dear lord I can’t believe I just said that. #loser.
So I’m assuming one would guess that that means my life is super happy all the time right?
I wish that was true. It’s not. And maybe if you follow me on twitter you get that a little more. But I’ve also noticed that since I got back here my tweets have always avoided the *bad* that’s been going on. Maybe because I don’t want to admit to myself and especially OTHERS that I’ve failed.
Again.
Here I am in VA and it’s been almost a month. I still don’t have a job. B and I still fight about the same damn things. Over and OVER again. And it seems like I’m headed to the same place I was this time last year except this time Mason isn’t squirming around inside of me. Instead he’s biting my toes and {Finally} saying mamamamama as of 10-10-10. Pretty cool day to start saying Mama don’t you think?
Anyway. B and I are in the same place we were last year. While EVERYTHING has changed it’s like nothing at all has changed.
I keep waiting for the tides to turn. For something drastically to change. For me to magically bring in some sort of income so not only can I pay *my* bills but also help with *ours* which would help alleviate some of the stress off of B’s shoulders and hopefully put an end to the fighting.
I have all these ideas of what I want to do with my life but most of them require spending money first. Which would require I have a job. The ideas run through my head quicker than I can even express them. The same ones keep popping up over and over again. And I want to do them so bad. But where do I even begin? How do I even begin?
I need a job. But, and I don’t even want to say but because it seems like an excuse which I don’t want this to be BUT what about M? Who would watch him during the day if I can even GET a job? Who’s going to hug him and cuddle him? Where am I going to get the money to pay someone to hug and cuddle him?
Right now everything is Overwhelming. And many years ago I would embrace that sort of thing head on and now I just tend to ignore it. Because ignoring it seems so much easier. Until it piles up so high I can barely breathe.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a little sunnier and I’ll have some answers.
Facebook Comments
Zookeeper Jess says
I'm so sorry that things are so rough, Christa. Those are very real worries. I stay at home with no plans to get a job but IF I had to, I would feel the same way as you. It would be so hard to even think about finding someone I trust to love and treat my kids good while I'm at work. Not to mention the cost of paying them!
I wish I had something more to say but I'll say a prayer and wish I could give you a big ole hug!
Kimberly says
I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe this will help cheer you up some
http://www.makemommygosomethingsomething.com/?p=1802
Don't forget that you can lean on us here in the bloggy world for some help! We are always here to listen, to offer you words of hope, to help. Reach out to us momma!
Mighty M says
Hang in there – things WILL get better!! 🙂
Cassie says
I hope things get better for y'all!
Frugal Vicki says
I am just like you, I tend to ignore my problems. But money problems seem SO HUGE!!! But I remind myself that money problems come and go….your son being healthy and happy is priceless!!
Lindsey G. says
I'm a new blog follower and I understand what you're going through… as much as a stranger can, I suppose. Good job taking it into your own hands and stepping out to try with the Scentsy job! Good luck!