Butterfiles and Rainbows

I’m pretty sure that for the most part I try to make everything on here happy and nice. Which is why I always have a bazillion Mason pictures because that kids really is my sunshine.
I can literally count on one hand the amount of posts I’ve wrote that have been not so happy and two of them where in the last month {twitter drama} oh dear lord I can’t believe I just said that. #loser.

So I’m assuming one would guess that that means my life is super happy all the time right? 

I wish that was true. It’s not. And maybe if you follow me on twitter you get that a little more. But I’ve also noticed that since I got back here my tweets have always avoided the *bad* that’s been going on. Maybe because I don’t want to admit to myself and especially OTHERS that I’ve failed. 

Again. 

Here I am in VA and it’s been almost a month. I still don’t have a job. B and I still fight about the same damn things. Over and OVER again. And it seems like I’m headed to the same place I was this time last year except this time Mason isn’t squirming around inside of me. Instead he’s biting my toes and {Finally} saying mamamamama as of 10-10-10. Pretty cool day to start saying Mama don’t you think? 

Anyway. B and I are in the same place we were last year. While EVERYTHING has changed it’s like nothing at all has changed.

I keep waiting for the tides to turn. For something drastically to change. For me to magically bring in some sort of income so not only can I pay *my* bills but also help with *ours* which would help alleviate some of the stress off of B’s shoulders and hopefully put an end to the fighting.

I have all these ideas of what I want to do with my life but most of them require spending money first. Which would require I have a job. The ideas run through my head quicker than I can even express them. The same ones keep popping up over and over again. And I want to do them so bad. But where do I even begin? How do I even begin? 
I need a job. But, and I don’t even want to say but because it seems like an excuse which I don’t want this to be BUT what about M? Who would watch him during the day if I can even GET a job? Who’s going to hug him and cuddle him? Where am I going to get the money to pay someone to hug and cuddle him?

Right now everything is Overwhelming. And many years ago I would embrace that sort of thing head on and now I just tend to ignore it. Because ignoring it seems so much easier. Until it piles up so high I can barely breathe.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a little sunnier and I’ll have some answers.

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Comments

  1. Zookeeper Jess says

    I'm so sorry that things are so rough, Christa. Those are very real worries. I stay at home with no plans to get a job but IF I had to, I would feel the same way as you. It would be so hard to even think about finding someone I trust to love and treat my kids good while I'm at work. Not to mention the cost of paying them!

    I wish I had something more to say but I'll say a prayer and wish I could give you a big ole hug!

  2. Frugal Vicki says

    I am just like you, I tend to ignore my problems. But money problems seem SO HUGE!!! But I remind myself that money problems come and go….your son being healthy and happy is priceless!!

  3. Lindsey G. says

    I'm a new blog follower and I understand what you're going through… as much as a stranger can, I suppose. Good job taking it into your own hands and stepping out to try with the Scentsy job! Good luck!

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