So much to say…

**Dear, In Real Lifers (minus E because I told you already lol), Stop here and don’t read, and if you feel like you must. I don’t want to hear it, Thanks :)**

But yet I still don’t know how quite to say it.

I think I’m reaching my breaking point, I can’t help it. I LOVE my family a lot. I think that’s obvious but it is getting so overwhelming living here. It’s chaotic and I feel so much pressure everyday. I’m so frustrated with everything that I cry at the drop of a hat. I know things would be easier once my room is fixed. But right now it’s not and there’s no room for any of my things or Mason’s things. And a part of me wonders if it’s going to get better once the room is fixed because the same root problems will be there. There still isn’t enough room (this room doesn’t even have a closet) and between M’s crib and dresser and my bed their won’t be any room for me to put a dresser for myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what I do have because I know that others have it far worse. I know that some don’t have the option to leave a bad situation and live some place else. I know others would love to be in my situation but that doesn’t change how unhappy I am with mine.

So obviously I need to get a kick ass job. Which I obviously want to do despite how much it’s going to hurt to leave M. And that’s another problem all in itself like where I’m going to put him, I know daycare is an option obviously but I just don’t know. And I need to make sure I get a good job otherwise daycare will be a waste ya know?

And then there’s B, he wants me to come back, he tells me pretty much everyday. And those of you who’ve been following me on Twitter know some of the biggest problems and they’re pretty big problems to say the least. He’s SAID he’s changed, but he always says that. So do I give him another chance? Or do I not even bother because he’s had so many other chances? He doesn’t really deserve one although he thinks he does. And sometimes it’s just too little to late. Our values are different too and some of the major issues we disagree on i.e. parenting styles, the amount of kids we want etc are kinda a BIG deal to me. But he is M’s father. And do I “owe” it to M to give him ANOTHER chance? He thinks I’m selfish for coming back to NY because I’m “ruining” his relationship with M but he doesn’t seem to understand that the reason why I left was because of his anger and FOR M. I don’t want him growing up in that kind of environment. But like I said he says he’s changed. He even addressed how I think if he’s really changed he would come here but he still puts it all back on me (I “stuck” him with all the bills so now he can’t afford to come here) and this shows me that he HASN’T changed because my reaction was just that a reaction to his actions!

I wouldn’t have left if he didn’t do what he did, and he claims that he wouldn’t have acted the way he did if I wasn’t the way I am (which according to him is a ton of mean things I won’t even say). So if we’re both right then it’s just a big cycle and then how are we suppose to break that? He says I don’t communicate with him and to a certain extent I don’t because I know that it’s pointless or that it will turn into a fight because it always does and once it turns into a fight it turns more in a bash Christa sorta thing and then I don’t get to talk at all just listen to how horrible I am so yea I avoid that by not communicating the “real issues” we have.

So if you made it this far what are your thoughts? Do I owe it to M to try again? Any other thoughts concerns questions? Feel free

And to my newer followers I promise I don’t always write semi deep depressing posts so stick around 😉 And plus I’m 23 so I’m still growing and learning etc.

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WW-I'll never be able to say NO if he makes these faces!!
Whatcha Think?

Comments

  1. Mama B says

    You don't owe it to M to be with his dad, just because he is his dad, kwim? You do owe it to M to have a decent relationship with B, if B is a good dad. M does need his dad in his life, but that doesn't mean you have to appease the situation by going back to B. M needs a stable, safe environment and it's your call and job to provide that. If you think B has changed, give him a shot, if you think it's just talk don't waste your time, for M's sake. My boys are 2.5 and 2 mos, neither have been in daycare. I personally, don't believe in daycare. I hear too many horror stories. Besides, it is cheaper for me to be a SAHM rather than work and pay for daycare.

  2. Jayme says

    I couldn't go back home. I left my ex, and moved back in with my mom at one point, and like you, I got overwhelmed and went back. It was the wrong choice, but I didn't know what else to do and I wanted to try again because of the kids. I ended up leaving for good awhile later- but that time I did it on my own & didn't move back with my family. After that I met Aaron 🙂

  3. Little Miss Emmy Lou says

    Only you know what you should do. But it seems you already know! You owe it to Mason to be healthy and happy. And from what I have read, being with Mason's father will not be a happy, healthy environment for either of you.

    (Any guy who screws up and thinks he deserves another chance… does not deserve another chance. If he was truly sorry, he'd admit that you deserve someone better.)

    I think if at all possible, you should allow Mason and his father to have a relationship, but that does NOT mean you have to be in a relationship with his father.

    Just my opinion. 🙂 I have never been in your situation so I can't say from personal experience. But it seems that the only reason you would get back together with him is because he's guilting you into it, and you feel it's best for Mason for his parents to be together. Sometimes, it is best for the children for their parents to be happy APART from each other.

  4. Anonymous says

    iii think you need to do what you need to do.. your going back down there soon anyways, see if he has changed and if you truley think he has then give him another shot… and i have to ask a question to "MAMA B" what are these HORRORSTORIES everyone talks about at daycares?? Because I work at a daycare for over 5 years now in the infant room and we have NEVER had any complaints and or horror stories?? I mean trust me we have our fare share of rough babies to deal with but no one has ever pulled a kid from the program? I dont know im confused.. i hear this all the time but its never clarified and I would like to know because I do take i a little offensivly i guess??? Some people have to work and can't afford a babysitter, daycare is cheaper and if you find a loving and nurturing place then i dont see the problem with them??

    I kmnow some places aren't the greatest but people chose to send their kids there bc most times they are cheaper.. my daycare is 215 a week for infants for 5 days and the prices decreases the less days the kid comes anddd maybe because its a medium size private daycare not a franchise.. we've never had any problem.. sorry i dont mean to rant and be mean to you considering i dont know you, i just take it personally bc its what i do and what im trying to do in the comming years and i think you would take it personally if i said i dont believe in stay at home mothers, am i right??

    anywhoo.. christa love u and my boy but u know what you have to do =)

  5. Just Add Walter says

    you owe it to yourself to be happy… do what is in your heart. I think you already know what that is even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. Thinking about you and hoping you make the decision that is the best for you (and Mason)

  6. Beth says

    So first off, let me say this: I don't know you, or B. I don't know the back story because I just started reading. My friends go one of two ways: they love it when I give advice, or they ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I am honest. I don't sugar coat it. So I apologize if you are offended by this at all – feel free to delete. I just hope that we can keep our "friendship" (you know – our e-friendship!) alive after this. I don't intend this to be mean… and if it comes off that way I'm sorry.

    I think you both have a lot of growing up to do. While I know it's easy to do, this cycle of "I'm just reacting to your actions" is never pretty. Take some responsibility for your actions, and maybe he will take some responsibility for his. You are BOTH wrong in this situation (at least from what I can see but like I said I don't know the whole story). I think both of you should read this blog post from MckMama, and really think about what your real issues are with each other. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2010/03/love-and-war.html

    Figure out what's going on in the relationship. Even if 99% is his fault – there will still be 1% that is yours, and although it's not fair, sometimes you have to be the one to admit to, apologize for, or whatever – for that 1% before he'll be willing to admit to the 99%. As someone else said, if B is a good father he needs to be a part of M's life, and it's not fair for you to steal that away from either of them. If B is going to be around, you need to be on good terms, and that probably won't happen until you guys are able to resolve your issues and stop passing blame back and forth.

    I think you SHOULD give him another chance if you honestly think he has changed. Take a few days and get your own thoughts in order. Then be honest with him – tell him how you feel, and apologize for the things you've done wrong. Then see where the conversation goes. If you feel like he really has changed, take things slowly. There's no reason to rush into things. Maybe start with frequent visits if that's a possibility.

    As for your living situation – I've got no advice for that one. I'm sure it's hard.

    Good luck with everything. Do what is best for you and your little guy, that's what's most important!

  7. Amanda says

    I'm not sure what the issues were, and why you left. But you did what you felt you did what was best for you both at the time.

    I wish I could tell you what was right/wrong thing to do in this situation. I can't. But what I can tell you is, shit is hard. Life is hard.

    If you truely love M's dad then you'll want to give it your all. No matter what/who is at fault for the fights. You'll each your faults, and you'll always get on eachothers nerves.

    I'm going to tell you my story: I was 17 when I got pg with D. J is his dad. We'd only been dating for a couple months before I found out I was pg. At the time we had tons of people telling us we needed to get married, live together. The first year we were together we lived apart. I was pg, and J was in school 2 hours away. After having D 3 months later I moved in with J. I was in a similiar situation as you, I couldn't get a job that paid anything after I'd pay daycare so I was home full time. J & I fought all the time. Day/night. For the first whole year of D's life. But I couldn't move out. I had no place to go. The first year was the WORST! While we figured out who we each were, we also had this little person to look after. OUR son, not his not mine, OURS.

    We're still together today, and I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I love him, and He loves me!! We loved eachother, and that's how we made it through. I can honestly admit today that I'm sure if I'd left, we wouldn't be together. We wouldn't have been forced to work out our differences. We now have been together for 8 years, married for 5, and two more girls together!

    If there are no issues like abusive, cheating, drugs. Things that aren't harmful to you or M. Then I say go back! You'll never know if you gave it your all, if you don't at least try! You owe it to M to give it your all! Put your heart into it!

    HUGS!!!!!!!!!!! Email me if you ever just want to talk! 🙂 amongthemess@aol.com

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