**Dear, In Real Lifers (minus E because I told you already lol), Stop here and don’t read, and if you feel like you must. I don’t want to hear it, Thanks :)**
But yet I still don’t know how quite to say it.
I think I’m reaching my breaking point, I can’t help it. I LOVE my family a lot. I think that’s obvious but it is getting so overwhelming living here. It’s chaotic and I feel so much pressure everyday. I’m so frustrated with everything that I cry at the drop of a hat. I know things would be easier once my room is fixed. But right now it’s not and there’s no room for any of my things or Mason’s things. And a part of me wonders if it’s going to get better once the room is fixed because the same root problems will be there. There still isn’t enough room (this room doesn’t even have a closet) and between M’s crib and dresser and my bed their won’t be any room for me to put a dresser for myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what I do have because I know that others have it far worse. I know that some don’t have the option to leave a bad situation and live some place else. I know others would love to be in my situation but that doesn’t change how unhappy I am with mine.
So obviously I need to get a kick ass job. Which I obviously want to do despite how much it’s going to hurt to leave M. And that’s another problem all in itself like where I’m going to put him, I know daycare is an option obviously but I just don’t know. And I need to make sure I get a good job otherwise daycare will be a waste ya know?
And then there’s B, he wants me to come back, he tells me pretty much everyday. And those of you who’ve been following me on Twitter know some of the biggest problems and they’re pretty big problems to say the least. He’s SAID he’s changed, but he always says that. So do I give him another chance? Or do I not even bother because he’s had so many other chances? He doesn’t really deserve one although he thinks he does. And sometimes it’s just too little to late. Our values are different too and some of the major issues we disagree on i.e. parenting styles, the amount of kids we want etc are kinda a BIG deal to me. But he is M’s father. And do I “owe” it to M to give him ANOTHER chance? He thinks I’m selfish for coming back to NY because I’m “ruining” his relationship with M but he doesn’t seem to understand that the reason why I left was because of his anger and FOR M. I don’t want him growing up in that kind of environment. But like I said he says he’s changed. He even addressed how I think if he’s really changed he would come here but he still puts it all back on me (I “stuck” him with all the bills so now he can’t afford to come here) and this shows me that he HASN’T changed because my reaction was just that a reaction to his actions!
I wouldn’t have left if he didn’t do what he did, and he claims that he wouldn’t have acted the way he did if I wasn’t the way I am (which according to him is a ton of mean things I won’t even say). So if we’re both right then it’s just a big cycle and then how are we suppose to break that? He says I don’t communicate with him and to a certain extent I don’t because I know that it’s pointless or that it will turn into a fight because it always does and once it turns into a fight it turns more in a bash Christa sorta thing and then I don’t get to talk at all just listen to how horrible I am so yea I avoid that by not communicating the “real issues” we have.
So if you made it this far what are your thoughts? Do I owe it to M to try again? Any other thoughts concerns questions? Feel free
And to my newer followers I promise I don’t always write semi deep depressing posts so stick around 😉 And plus I’m 23 so I’m still growing and learning etc.